Twilight, but better
by Zombies8Me
Summary: The title says it all.
1. Twilight, but better

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any part of Twilight. I am just a loser.

* * *

I never gave much thought to how I would die. Even though I'm dating a vampire who told me he almost killed me about twenty times, or when that one guy started chasing me across the continental US, or when I was almost crushed by a van, or the time I nearly got killed when I was, very wisely, walking the streets of a dark town totally unprotected because I'm just _so_ smart!

Hi. I'm Bella Swan. (Please pay no attention to the fact that my initials are BS.) So I moved to Forks, this dinky little town that's always wet. (The perfect place to find hot, immortal guys who lust for my blood). Of course Forks is like a giant toilet bowl, slowly flushing me down the drain.

So I went to school right? And all these (ugly) guys (who were _so_ not worthy of me) were all being creeps by, like, being _nice_ to me! But anyway, I then saw this table full of pale white pretty people! Pretty enough to even be worthy of _me_!

But then the brown haired one (the prettiest) was all "I'm going to keel you!"

And I was all "Oh I love you too!" so other boring stuff happened, and I was in a parking lot and this retard driver came driving like a maniac. During the boring stuff I found out that Edward was a vampire! So to prove it to the world, exposing him, and forcing him family to go back into hiding, so he would love me, I jumped out in front of the car.

"Edward!" I called sweetly, like snow white…because I'm pale get it? It was like pale, and snow white was, like pale, and yeah never mind.

Suddenly everyone was screaming my name telling me to move or something.

"_Edward!_" I screamed. "You retard, get over here and save my life!"

* * *

I woke up in a hospital, with all these cords and stuff to feed me and keep my alive and—whoa! Forget Edward! I want his undead dad!

"Bella! You idiot! What in tar-nation ya' doin'!" My dad, the tobacco chewing, beer drinking white trash was—

"Hey Bella, ya do bein' knowin' that I can read all that there naratin' ya' doin'?" He spat tobacco juice in Carlisle's face. "Well, if it ain't purdy boy, comin' out to play wit the big dogs!"

Carlisle soured his face. "I really hate you, and if you weren't in the fourth book, I would _KILL_ you right now!"

"Bella you idiot, what is wrong with you?" Edwards silky voice floated to me.

"Why didn't you save me you jerk?" I whined, throwing myself into his arms. He pushed me down.

"Bella, for some reason I love you, but you're a human and I am going to kill you if we're near each other. Could you risk your life, the lives of your friends, father, mother, step-father, and the happiness of my family for your own reasons until New Moon when I will leave you for some vampire girl who is _so_ much better looking than you, but I accidentally kill?"

I stared at him. _It's like he's trying to speak to me. I know it! But his words are too long for my poor pretty ears…which are pretty by the way._

"By accident of course. But I was _real_ sorry about it later…well not really, but let's pretend." I blinked, confused. "Do you want to almost kill everyone you care about?"

"Psh! I don't like anybody. You're missing the point. Everyone likes _me._ I don't like _them._"

"By the way Bella, I'm a sadistic, murderous, blood-sucking, jerk who reads people minds and sells their personal information on the Internet…oh and I'll probably end up killing you, but until then we can be all like dating and stuff."

"Yeah that sounds like fun. Let's do that then!"

* * *

Where was I? Oh yeah, sickeningly fake romance stuff. So we were playing baseball…or they were playing baseball. I was just watching, and I forgot which one I loved, because they were all so _pretty!_ But Rosalie was stupid and so jealous of me!

"Hey Bella! I heard you got an A on the test! Good job!" she smiled.

"Shut up Rosalie! I hate you! I wish you would—_Hi Emmett_!" I called, being pretty.

Then Alice started jumping up and down screaming, and hyperventilating. "Everyone! Everyone! Listen to me! I have news! Big big news! Listen! This is life changing!"

"Hey, I hear Alice can see into the future." Jasper told Emmett.

"Yep."

"Should we listen to her?"

He thought about that. "Nah."

"No guys! Guys! This is important! Bella's going to almost die!" she cried.

Everyone laughed. "Oh please! Now that the girl with the super good smelling blood is always with ravenous vampires, she's perfectly safe! It's not like she's almost died when Edward was there!"

"Ha ha! Yeah what next?" Esme asked. "The stupid twit jumps off a cliff, so Edward, the *cough* emo, will try to get himself killed, then those annoying twits at La Push, which is a _dumb_ name by the way, are actually werewolves. Then Bella endangers all of Forks because she brings a ton of new vampires here led by one vampire who wants her dead, then marries Edward, has a freak baby, who makes a werewolf fall in love with her. *Cough* pedophile, and has a long boring build up to the final which ends when another freak baby comes to tell everyone about his poor pathetic life?"

Everyone stared at her.

Then Carlisle laughed. "Psh! That sounds like Stephanie Meyer trash! Please! Who'd read that?"

"No! Look! James, Victoria and Laurent are _right there! They can hear you!_" Alice pointed, jumping up and down.

"Yeah, and then they make a movie out of it! Hey Edward! They'd probably have a loser who died in a _HARRY POTTER_ movie play you! Cause you're a _loser!_" Emmett yelled.

"Hello?" James asked, waiting for his entrance.

"Yeah, well you're married to the psychotic blond!" Edward yelled back, shoving him in the chest.

"Yeah well your girl friend is a monotone, Mary Sue-ish, idiotic, brunette, daughter of a cop who's constantly taking drugs and using them, who nearly killed off everyone in the state of Washington!"

"Hey! I'm sitting right here!" I said prettily. (Cause I'm pretty, just in case you didn't catch that.)

"Yeah, and she narrates like a retard. So I'm doing the rest of the story!"

"Hey you can't do that!"

"I just did. Watch."

We were in the meadow where I kicked butts playing baseball. I totally beat my wife, who is totally hot by the way. Because I'm so strong. Because I have biceps to kill for. Because I'm freaking awesome.

"Emmett! Shut up!" Jasper shoved him, making him feel like a dead squirrel.

"Hey! 'Dead Squirrel isn't an emotion!" Edward whined.

"Is now, Huffle Puffian!"

We all gasped. For a vampire to bring up Harry Potter, especially Hufflepuff!

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Voldemort popped out of nowhere, eyes crossed, and disappeared.

"That…made no sense," Jacob told Bella.

"Jacob! You're not in the story until New Moon," Bella whined.

"Hey whose telling the story now?"

I am you morons.

"And who are you?"

Your mom, you fool.

"…Wow. Really?" Rosalie asked.

No moron. But I'm sick of vampires now, so we're skipping to the end.

"You can't do that! No one will know what's going on!"

* * *

Just did.

* * *

Bella had just walked through the doors of the ballet studio. "Mom?"

"_Yes?_" James answered, trying to sound sweet.

"Don't answer to 'Mom,' it's not manly." Victoria, who had just appeared, shoved him.

"Hey, go away! You aren't the bad guy till the next book where you try to avenge me!" He tried to push her out of the scene.

"Why would I want to avenge you? No offense, but you're kind of an idiot."

"Shut up and leave."

"But if we fight together, we can kill her!"

"No. I'm sorry Victoria." (Cue the violins and heroic music). "Because you see my dearest…Well, dear love. My only…Well one of my favorite loves. Because you see, that is just what they'd be expecting us to do. Oh, and plus, you're annoying and couldn't kill a police chief."

And poof! She was gone! Like magic! Like *cough* Harry Potter magic.

"Bella. Why, may I ask, didn't you come with the vampires?" James asked when he saw Bella, skipping through the halls.

"You told me not to," she defended.

"You are _so_ stupid!" He rubbed his temples. "I'm the _bad guy_. I _tell lies_. You _aren't_ supposed to believe me! Please tell me you at least tried calling your mother before you ran over here."

"Uh nope!" she resounded happily.

"Ugh." He put his head in his hand. "This is so lame."

"You are lame!" she defended.

"Why didn't you bring any vampires at all?"

"Oh…if you want me to, I can go get them."

"No, it's too late now. *Cough* idiot. So now I'm going to break your bones and inflict massive amounts of pain upon your person."

Then Edward burst into the scene. "Aw, dang it Alice! I told you we shouldn't have stopped for burgers. Look Bella's dead already! Oh well. Hand me a Whopper."

"Edward! You jerk! I'm not dead! And you're vampires! You don't eat burgers!"

Edward glanced between the burger and Bella. "_Ooooooooh._ _Riiiiiiiiight._"

"This is boring. So I'm just going to bite Bella." And James did.

"You fiend! Now she'll be immortal and I'll have to put up with her…forever!" It was right about then that he started weeping.

"Then suck the poison out. And could you hurry up and kill me? I'm sick of all the Facebook flairs girls are making, saying they'll be my snack, or they'll be my Victoria, who is really kind of a creeper." And poof! Harry Potter made him disappear too.

Edward and Bella had been left alone, because the others…Well they kind of wanted Bella to die…(She was _really_ annoying.)

Edward looked deep into her chocolate brown eyes, and whispered in his silky voice. "Bella, I can suck the poison out."

"Yeah, you do suck."

"Oh shut up and die."

* * *

Aren't I wonderful? (You were all thinking it you know!)

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 1/8/09


	2. Blew Moon

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any part of the Twilight series.

* * *

Hi! I'm Bella Swan! I'm pretty, and perfect, and pale, and pretty, and skinny, and have a gorgeous boyfriend, and every boy at school loves me. I'm perfectly smart, (even if I never act that way) and I'm all over, perfect!

It was my birthday, and I met Eddypoo at his house with all his hot brothers, and dad! (Swoon.) "Hey, Bella!" Alice and Esme smiled.

"Hey, Bella," Emmett, Carlisle, and Jasper cringed away from me.

"Bella, this time could you not nearly kill my whole family? Oh and I want my car back. Stop selling my stuff on Ebay could you?" Rosalie hated me. She always hated me! Because I was prettier and she couldn't stand it!

I started crying. "Eddypoo! Rosalie is being _mean_ to me!" I cried, stomping my feet with angry prettiness (because I'm pretty).

"Shut up!" Emmett begged.

"So what did you get me?" I asked.

"Oh yeah! Look! It's the most expensive necklace I could find!" Alice showed me.

"I spent my last life's savings on this new car radio!" Emmett ran outside to install it.

"I got you plain tickets to see your mommy!" Esme and Carlisle showed me.

I looked at the gifts with Bambi eyes. "B-But?" my lip started quivering. "But I wanted real estate," I whined. "That's it. I'm going emo," I spat, grabbing a piece of paper. "I shall die, Eddypoo, for you! *Or your hot brothers.*" I sliced my pinky with the paper and screamed. "Ow! Eddypoo! Why did you let that happen? Oh I hate you! Alice is short, Jasper is blond, Rosalie is herself, Emmett is dumb, Carlisle is gay, and Esme is…is _your mom_!" I cried.

All the vampires went berserk. "Please Edward! Let me kill her? _Please!_" they begged, reaching for me.

"No," he said firmly.

"My hero!" I sighed, play fainting.

"After all the crap she's put me through, _I'm_ going to be the one who kills here. Got it?" The Cullens pouted.

"You suck. You know what Eddypoo? You should die in a hole because you smell! I'm leaving now! How dare you give me expensive stuff!" And I ran outside to the car, took my handy dandy sludge hammer that I always have in my glove compartment and began smashing the radio. "Die! Die! Die!"

"Bella! You maniac! You broke it!"

I started wailing on cue. "Aah! Eddypoo is yelling at me! I hate my life!"

"You know what Bella? That's it! This book sucks. I'm leaving! And I'm taking my car with me!"

"What? But you can't just leave me here all alone? Who will I spend hundreds of pages swooning over?" I chased him back to the house.

"I don't know. I don't care."

"But there'll be no good looking people left but me! And I can't swoon over _myself!_ Even _I'd_ get bored."

"Besides, I spent the whole last book telling you about how I would leave, and I have a hot date with a Norwegian Vampire anyway…or was it Swedish? So I'm heading off to Norway. Good bye Bella. Try to kill yourself before I get back so the series can end, okay?"

"But Edward…I'm pretty! Fine! I'll just wallow in self misery!"

[Edited for long boring self misery, emo moments.]

"Hey Bella!" Ew,iIt was that ugly boy who was always trying to be nice to me. Creeper. "Is there anything I can do? The books really boring when the narrator is such an emo."

"You don't like it? You can leave. You're too ugly for someone as pretty as me to talk to anyway." I stuck my tongue out at him. "I'm going to go hang out with other legendary animals in the form of hot boys."

"You mean Shark Boy?" Mike asked.

"Shut up! His past is behind him okay? Can't he learn to dream too? Or are scum like you so intent upon the destruction of all that is good and true in the world? You are the Emperor in the Luke Skywalker of my life! The cop to my mob! FBI to my drug dealers! Voldemort to my Harry! And," I started crying. "The James to my murderous, psychotic, former Huffelpuffian, _undead, stalker, manipulative, jerk of an ex-boyfriend!_"

"Sorry, you lost me at 'destruction of all that is good'." He was eating a hot dog. "You're really boring Bella. Why are you so boring?" And he walked away with Jessica.

"Note to self. Mike gets a death note."

"Hey Bella!" Jacob smiled. "Guess what, I'm a werewolf! Want to go hang out with my hairy, huge, smelly, obnoxious friends who tried to kill your ex-boyfriend twenty times?"

"Uh…okay!"

The reservation was big and full of hairy men, and hairy women. "Hey dawg!" Jacob yelled, and everyone turned to wave.

"Hey dog!" I yelled to them, and they all beat me up with their freaky wolf magic. Stupid werewolves.

"So Bella." Sam invited Jacob's hairy friend and me to his house so they could stop me from bleeding to death. "I hear that crazy ginger vampire is after you again."

I started bawling again. "Wah! You're making fun of me! You think it's funny Eddypoo is gone!"

"No wonder the ginger wants to kill her…I kind of want to kill her, and I'm supposed to love her or something like that." Jacob stuffed a sock in my mouth.

"No, you're the pedophile who falls for her freak of a child," Sam told him.

"Oh right. *Freaking Stephanie Meyer.*"

"What about me? No one cares about _ME_!" Emily whined.

"Shut up!" One of the hairiest boys threw a frying pan at her head.

"No one likes you, because, unlike me, you aren't pretty." I smiled, prettily.

"I'll be back, and then I shall keel you all!" she shrieked, running away.

"Bella," the one with the name with the q somewhere in it said. "Here, drink this, it will help with your emo-ness."

"But I _want_ to be emo! No one understands me!" I shrieked for a whole minute until they were able to shove a whole shoe in my mouth.

"It's made from Sharpie ink, cold medicine, vodka, tequila, crack, steroids, bleach, expired milk, spaghetti sauce that was growing eyes, human hair, and dirt." He started forces the goop down my throat.

"No! The only way to cure emo, is to feed her to Victoria."

"Make her live with the penguins for three years."

"Drive over her in a car."

"Cut her hair off."

"Let her wallow away in a corner until it rots on top of her."

"No." Billy's voice was hard, and wise. The kind you only get after years and years of wasting your life watching soaps and reruns of Opera and Ellen. "We must make her read fan fictions!" Everyone gasped. This was a cure saved only for the direst of circumstances. No one had ever lived through it.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun and all, but I'm going to leave!" I ran outside screaming, all the way up the cliffs. I had an idea. "Hey _Indians!_" I yelled in my most racist voice. "Look! I can be like you and play Pocahontas!"

"The Arizonian brat is going to kill herself when she jumps! Quick! Hurry back to the house and get a camera!" Billy yelled.

"For Eddypoo!" I yelled as I jumped, then realizing that there were sharp rocks at the bottom, and I started screaming. "Curse you Stephanie Meyer! How I hate thee!"

Luckily there were about twelve old ladies in their water aerobics class to break my fall. "Well that was fun." I shoved a little old ladies face into the water. "What's next?"

"Bella! Victoria's behind you! Swim towards her! It'll be great!" Emily called to me.

"She can't die Emily. If she does then you will too." Jacob told her.

"Swim away! Swim away!" she shrieked. But a little old lady with muscle shoved me under the water, and I passed out.

I woke up in my house. The hairy boys were sneaking tobacco from Charlie's stash. "Hey Bella, you're short vampire friend is here."

"Eddypoo?"

"No."

"His hot, buff brother?"

"No."

"The blond boy who makes me happy?"

"No."

"His hot dad?"

"No."

"Oh, well I don't care then." I fell back on the couch humming the tune from Blue's Clues.

"It's me, you idiot!" Alice slapped me across the face, making me cry.

"Ow-wa! What did you slap me for?"

"My idiot brother who likes you for some reason, saw me see you jump off the cliff and is going to "out-emo" you by letting some royal vampires kill him."

"So what am I supposed to do? I am a d-a-w-g now, fool." I did the peace sign.

"Get up Bella, we have to go stop him."

"But I'm sleeping!" I whined.

"I don't care."

[Meanwhile in Italy, where Edward is thinking…]

_Sure is taking me a long time to tell the Vultori to kill me. Hey look! A butterfly. I think I shall chase it! Come here little butterfly! I will be your friend!_

[Back to Bella and Alice who are boarding a plane because the other Cullens just wish Bella and Edward would hurry up and die.]

"So what have you been doing while I was wallowing in self misery?"

"Killing every brown haired, brown eyed, pale skinned, Arizonian, son of divorced parents I could find." We had boarded the plane to Italy.

"Ha ha. You're funny. I was really just spending all my time being pretty."

[Edited for non-stop yakking about "being pretty".]

When we finally reached Italy, it was almost noon. The worst possible time! Because I was hungry and needed to eat in order to stay so pretty!

We found Edward, lost, in some sewer, going crazy. "I'm here to spread joy to all the little children! The children! Are coming to play! And then die! When I kill them! With my butterfly!" he sang.

"Oh Eddypoo! Don't kill yourself! I'm alive!"

"Huh? You thought I wanted to kill myself _because_ I thought you were _dead_. No! I just was tired of this book."

"You must see the Vultori now we know you have a human," Jane' s cold voice echoed.

"Will this book _never end!_"

[Edited for language and long boring stuff.]

The old vampire was all, "Ew!" And Bella was all, "Whoa! More hot people!" And the vampire was all, "I'm going to touch your hand." And Edward was all, "Oh crap, now I have to make her a vampire!" And Alice was all, "I'm leaving now."

And the reader was all… "Worst. Book. Ever. Of all time. Ever."

* * *

You know it's true. You know it is. You just wish it weren't but it beith truest and loudestith upon which thy window showith the truestith awesomenessticpower! (Which isn't a word but should be.)

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombise8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 1/10/09


	3. eClipse

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any part of the Twilight series. No really, I don't.

* * *

_Bella,_

_I know I'm supposed to love you, but you're an idiot, and I'm really tired of your racist jokes, and you falling on my dear old grandma, killing her and her friends. Plus, your boyfriend is really starting to creep me out, and has sent me about a hundred or so death notes promising my demise if he so much as sees me out of La Push._

_Jacob._

I read the note over again. My pretty chocolate brown eyes reading his ugly handwriting that was, oh, so sloppy for a mythical creature. "Stupid little doggy cannot write like Eddypuss." I smiled prettily.

I skipped down the stairs, sniffing the air and hearing the TV up so loud it hurt my pretty nose and ears. "Charlie! The room smells like tobacco and beer and I can't hear myself think with your TV up so loud!" I cried, running into the living room, where my dad sat, chewing a few mouthfuls of tobacco.

"Ah, cry to yer' freak boyfriend," he said I n his Hill-Billy/white trash accent.

"Fine!" I yelled. The doorbell rang on cue. "Eddypuss!" I squealed happily with delight.

"Bella, hand me my shot gun." Charlie turned the TV off, grabbing at one of his many guns, spitting tobacco juice out the window.

"But Charlie! I _love _Eddypuss! He would never do anything to hurt me!" I whined.

Charlie stared at me, while he loaded his gun with silver bullets. "Right Bella. He'd _nevah_ make ya' run away from home, kidnap ya' fer a month, bring ya' back almost dead, only to leave ya', have you go into violent fits of hysteria, jump off some cliff, thinkin' ya' can fly er sumethin' stupid like that, have his sister fly ya' away to Italy fer three days, come back n' start tryin' to keel all them kids down at Lu Push. Plus totallin' Jacob's motorcycles. That doesn't mean nuthin'. Must be a real good kid."

"Everything sounds stupid when you say it like _that._"

"Nah, it sounds stupid no matter how I say it."

"I'm sorry, I don't speak _stupid_." I ran to the door anyway.

"Bella, that there trash ain't comin' in my house, n' you ain't goin' out 'cause you're grounded." He cocked and pointed his gun at the door where Eddypuss' face would soon be.

"I hate you dad! You're ruining my life!" I wailed, falling to the floor, opening the door anyway. Eddypuss' pretty face appeared. "Eddypuss! Charlie is going to try to kill you! Don't panic!"

Eddypuss turned, his face half an inch away fr gn4tr om the barrel of Charlie's gun. "H-Hi Chief Swan!"

"Take anutha' step n' yer a dead purdy boy."

"Eddypuss! He loaded it with silver bullets!" I warned flailing my arms around his neck.

"_It's okay, I'm immortal, remember?_" he whispered prettily. "_The only thing that can kill me is being ripped to pieces and set on fire._"

I blinked. "That's all? That's _dumb_."

"_Actually, it isn't. You can sneeze on us, or throw water on us, or play country music, and then our heads will explode, or—_"

"That's enough chit chatin'. My fingers be itchin' ta' keel ya' right now." Charlie shoved the barrel into Eddypuss' side.

"But, er, Chief Swan, isn't it against the law to just shoot people?" Eddypuss looked scared.

"This is my town boy! I shoot anybody n' anythin' I feel like I be gonna' shoot. Conprenday?"

"We have homework Charlie!" I whined, sticking my very mortal body in between the gun and the immortal's body.

Charlie spat tobacco juice in Eddypuss' face. "Fine. I don't be carin' in anyway. Y'all can go hang fer all I care." He tossed his gun into the corner, knocking the trigger, ricocheting the bullets off the walls.

When Charlie was gone, Eddypuss breathed a sigh of relief. "I was reading your mail and you didn't get accepted anywhere, so I had to bribe a community college to let you in."

"Bella!" Charlie called from the next room.

"Yeah what do you want you old crazy man?" I demanded prettily.

"Yer friend called. Jacob—"

"**What?!**" Eddypuss' pretty voice over-flowed with venom and rage and evilness. He stared at me with ice-cold hate. "**Never say that scum's name if you want to live!**" and he ripped all our phones and phone cords out and off the wall.

"Hey! What ya' doin' punk? Your rippin' up my house!" Charlie screamed, grabbing his gun again, but Eddypuss grabbed it first, and started shooting the distorted pieces left from the phones, and proceeded to drop the thousand dollar laptops out the window, running over them in his car, so I couldn't email. "See what I mean Bella? This boy be an abusive freak!" Charlie yelled, pointing out the window at Eddypuss, who was setting the broken remains on fire, dancing around them, screaming.

"How could you say that? He's doing this because he loves me!"

"Tell ya' what Bella. I will pay you five hundurd dollars if you can go to Lu Push one time."

"Fine! Eddypuss will be fine with that!"

"Ya' hafta' ask him first?" Charlie asked stupidly.

"Yes—no, maybe…shut-up!" I whined, running up the stairs crying.

* * *

"B-But Eddypuss! Why not?" I cried.

"**To keep you safe…of course.**" His voice was evil.

"Then why is your voice so evil?"

"**My voice isn't evil.**"

"Then why can't I go see Jacobpoo?"

"**Because you are much safer with vampires who thirst for your blood and have to concentrate every time they're near you because it's so impossible to resist sucking your blood, thus killing you. Being with werewolves, who can control when they're wolves, call themselves 'the protectors', and gorge themselves on hotdogs, would be as bad as tying yourself up to the train tracks no one uses…and I—we, couldn't have that. Now could we?**"

"Charlie says you're an over-bearing, control-freak, hell-bent on manipulating my God given free-will to your every whim."

"**Charlie is an imbecile. **Note to self, Charlie gets a death note."

"Okay…"

"**So I'm going to have 24/7/12/365 watch on you by at least four vampires at all times.** Okay? Goodbye!" he jumped out the window, running away to eat.

I waited five minutes just to be sure, and ran down stairs, with my keys. "Bye Charlie! I'm going to go see Jacobpoo and earn five hundred bucks!"

"Okay!" he called. "Don't be so sure…" he laughed quietly when he thought I couldn't hear.

Outside I jumped in my car and turned the key. Eddypuss appeared beside me. "**WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT GOING TO SEE THE WEREWOLVES?!**" he grabbed the key from me, pulled me out of the car, and proceeded to destroy it. "**DIE! DIE! DIE!**" He filled the inside with gasolines, and dropped in a burning match. "**Now try to see your precious werewolf friends,mortal!**" he laughed evilly.

I started crying again. "Eddypuss! I was going to win the bet, I was going to have five hundred dollars!" I cried.

"Bella." His voice was pretty again. "This is for my own pleasure…I-I mean! _Your_! Your own safety…that's what I meant."

"Then why did you lit my car on fire?" I looked up with my pretty face at his pretty face.

"Uh…because it's better this way."

"Oh, well if you say so, than it must be so!" I giggled, jumping up, forgetting the flaming car.

"If I come out, and one more thin' is burnin' on my driveway, I am goin' to keel that there freakin' freak boy!" Charlie yelled from inside, cocking his gun again.

The next day Eddypuss told me he was going to California to hunt. "So you're going to stay in my house until I get back."

"But, why?"

"**Because those dirty werewolves are everywhere!**"

"No, they aren't…they stay on the reservation…"

"Shut up women! If I want the opinion of a **female** I will ask for it! **Understand? You speak when spoken to!**"

I sighed. "Eddypuss! You're so romantic!"

* * *

That night, when I was locked in Eddypuss' room by his sisters and mom, Rosalie, the stupid vampire who hated me because I was so much prettier than her, knocked. "Eddypuss, and/or one of his hot brothers or dad?" I asked.

"No." she opened the door.

"Oh. It's _you_. Go away. You smell, and, and, I hate you!" I fell back down.

"This is the only time when I get to actually talk, and so I'm going to tell you my life's story."

[Edited for long boring story with nothing to do with the plot.]

* * *

The next day, my kidnappers—I mean my boyfriend's sisters, took me to school.

"Bella! Quick jump on!" Jacob yelled from his motorcycle.

"I can't! Eddypuss doesn't want me too…even if I would have gotten five hundred dollars."

"Do you do everything Edward tells you?" he asked.

"**BELLA! HOW DARE YOU SPEAKETH TO SCUM LIKE THIS! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT YOU—I MEAN HIM FOR IT!**" Edward appeared out of nowhere, yelling with evil evilness. So being the strong, determined, feminist person I am, I curled up into a ball on the asphalt and cried.

[Edited for extreme violence.]

* * *

"Bella, my love, will you marry me?" Edward asked, sometime later when I was being held at their house against my will. Victoria was back, apparently, trying to kill me, so the werewolves and vampires had made peace…well kind of. Edward still went all evil when he saw a dog, or heard the word 'canine'.

"No."

"_Bella, my love, will you marry me?_" he asked, a little more harshly.

"No!"

"**Bella, my love, will you marry me?**" he asked, getting that evilness.

"_No!_"

"**BELLA! MARRY ME OR DIE!**" he roared.

"Uh, okay!"

"Sorry to break up this cozy little scene, but we have to go down to the meadow before Victoria and all her little lackeys come to kill Bella." Alice popped in, laughing happily.

* * *

_**A few long boring scenes later...**_

"Whoa. Somehow we defeated all of those new born vampires!" Eddypuss smiled.

"So I guess this means teamwork really did triumph over stupid little grudges eh boys?" I asked my two boyfriends, the blood-sucker and the hairy dog boy.

"Sure Bella!" Jacob hugged me.

"You bet!" Eddypuss hugged me around him.

"I will kill you Cullen." Jacob hissed evilly.

"I will kill you first."

"I will kill your first born!"

"No, you get stuck with my first born!" he laughed, thought about that for a moment and punched Jacob's nose off, which instantly grew back.

"That's it!" and a huge random fight between werewolves and vampires occurred.

"No! Stop fighting! Can't we all just learn to love each other and get along?" Carlisle and Esme begged.

"Hey! Look! If it ain't Dr. Purdy Boy and his Albino wife!" Charlie laughed, spitting tobacco at them.

"Okay, time to kill!" Carlisle ripped off his shirt, trying to be manly, but needless to say, he failed miserably.

"Well isn't this a cozy ending?" Jane and the other Volturi asked, emerging from the fog.

"Hey! While we were all having fun, somehow we forgot there's a royal family of vampires with horrible powers out to kill Bella!" Eddypuss yelled.

"We still have to kill Bella." Jane smiled.

"Why? Because I'm _prettier _than you?" I yelled, shoving her in the chest.

* * *

So ended the legacy of Bella Swan. Daughter of tobacco chewing, white trash father Charlie...

Beloved of Edward Cullen, controlling jerk...

And Jacob, who was her second choice, but still liked her for some reason unbeknown to us...

* * *

Unfortunately, I'm just kidding about that last part . . . otherwise, how could there be a Breaking Dawn, but better?

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 2009


	4. Breaking Wind

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Breaking Dawn or any part of the Twilight series . . . okay? I am a loser who's always on a caffeine high.

* * *

**Book One: Bella**

Hi! I'm Bella Swan. I'm pretty, pale, skinny, perfect, and have a hot immortal boyfriend! (With hot immortal brothers and dad!)

So anyway, I was driving the car my hot immortal boyfriend, Eddypumpkin bought me, because he's also rich.

I'm engaged to him, by the way, but I really don't want to be…I want to be a vampire…so I can be with him forever and ever and ever and ever! But getting _married?_ I'm not in for that kind of commitment! That's just ridiculous!

I was driving around, showing off my car, so that all those stupid people would be jealous, which they were by the way. But that got really boring because the window's were too tinted to actually see anything out of.

I went back home, where Charlie was loading his shot-gun with silver bullets, sharpening his wooden steaks, covering the house with garlics, and hanging up crosses. "Hey dad!" I sang sweetly.

"Ugh. It's you. Is that there freak-boy, boyfriend with ya'?" he asked, spitting tobacco juice. He fired his gun at the life-size picture of Edward that I had super-glued to the wall. He shot it right between his pretty golden eyes.

"Daddy! You're ruining Eddypumpkin's face!" I cried, forcing myself between the smoking gun and the picture. "If you want to hurt Eddypumkin's picture, you have to _kill me first_!" I wailed, crying.

"I don't know where ya' got yer stupud genes, it ain't from _my _side o' the family, that's fer true." he spat his tobacco juice, lighting himself a new cigar.

My mother, Renée, ran down the stairs. "Bella! Bella! Bella! Guess what? I just traded Paul to the Pirates for Babe Ruth!" she squealed, clapping her hands. "I took another mortgage out on my house, to buy _another _house! I gave a pop-up of an talking moose my credit card number when I was on Ebay trying to buy Elvis Presley's teeth! Oh, oh, _and_ I got an invitation to something called a 'KKK rally'…ooh! Maybe it's something like _Mary_ Kay! I'll bring back samples!" She ran out the door.

Charlie cursed, and fired his gun at the life-size picture of Carlisle I'd super-glued to the kitchen wall.

"No! Daddy! Don't hurt Carlisle either! He's too pretty to die!" I shrieked, throwing myself between the gun and Carlisle.

"Dang it women! This be my house and if I feel like shootin' off that there doctor sissy, girly, pee-pants head, then that's what I'm gunna' do!" he yelled, trying to shoot at Emmett's picture, then Jasper's than James' than Laurent's. "Why do ya' even have those two! I thought they tried to be killin' ya' in the first two books."

"So?" I hugged James's picture. "They're pretty!"

"Bella?" Eddypumpkin's pretty voice drifted to me.

"Eddypumpkin! Quick Charlie! Help me hide these! If Eddypumpkin sees them, he might beat me again!" I cried, trying to hide them.

"Aw shuddup. The sooner ya' get married to th' freak boy, the sooner this here book can be through wit." He turned his gun to Jacob's picture, shooting it when I didn't stop him.

Eddypumpkin appeared in the doorway. "Hey Bella! Guess what? I invited the werewolves to our wedding, so when they step off the reservation, I can _kill_ them! Doesn't that sound like _fun_?" he asked.

"Is it jus' me, or does yer boyfriend seem to be increasinly violent lately?" my white-trash father asked.

"**What did you say? I am not violent! I am calm, caring, polite, blood-thirsty vampire! I am the perfect boyfriend! How **_**dare **_**you call me violent! I shall murder your entire family for saying that!**" he yelled so loudly the glass in the window's shattered.

"Isn't he romantic daddy?" I swooned.

* * *

Eddypumpkin and I were married at the Cullens' house…a bunch of people came but the only ones I really remember were the dorks from school, some vampires Eddypumpkin didn't like as much as me because they were obviously _not _pretty, and some of the hairy wolf-boys from La Push.

Then Jacob came, and he was all "Hey Bella, you good for nothing jerk who likes a cold, unfeeling rock more than me."

And I was all "Jacob, you stink. You need new shampoo. You smell like wet dog."

And Eddypumpkin was all. "Ha, ha! You're a lonely bachelor!"

And then Jacob was all. "Yeah, well you're stuck with Bella…_forever!_" then he cackled, and Eddypumpkin stared at him, before bursting into tears, crying about how much he hates his life and how he is cursed forever and how he wishes he could die…I didn't get that part, so I left them there, and tried to flirt with Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle, Jacob's dog friends, and all the other non-human guys. (By the way…Rosalie…_totally_ jealous of me.)

"Time to leave for our honeymoon…dearest." Eddypumpkin started crying again on the last word.

"Okay. Where's the others who're coming?" I asked, looking around.

"…What do you mean?"

"You know…Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Jacob…"

"Bella…it's _our _honeymoon…just us." And he started wailing again.

"But…I thought that the other hot immortal guys were coming! You lied to me! You're a liar! You are a lying liar who lied for his own lying reasons to lie about lies when you lie in the likeness of liars!" I yelled.

"_Please!_" he begged. "Shut up!"

[Honeymoon edited for the…well duh.]

So anyway, one morning I woke up and was so fat, I jumped up in the air and got stuck! "Whoa Bella, you is fat. When did you become so fat as you is?" Eddypumpkin asked, trying to sound cool…and failing.

I shrieked, crying and hitting things with my fists. "Eddypumpkin! I am not fat! Stop calling me fat! I'm not fat!"

"You're _fat_!" he sang.

"No I'm not!" I shrieked, my voice squeaked like a monkey trying to whistle.

"Fatty fatty fattersons!"

"Shut up! Shut up!"

"You're so fat, you need to iron your pants on the drive way! You 're so fat, you sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of the president's nose!"

"I'm not fat!"

"You're so fat, you put mayonnaise on your diet pills!"

"Shut up!"

"You're so fat, you stepped in front of the sun, and caused a total eclipse!"

**Book Two: Jacob**

Hi. I'm Jacob. My life sucks because a girl doesn't like me. She and I would have been perfect for each other…well kind of. We both like to wallow in self-pity! Plus, everyone else in La Push, except that ugly weirdo girl Emily, has imprinted on someone…sure most of the time 'imprinting' and 'pedophile' are synonyms, but what cha' gonna' do?

Anyway, when I heard the news that Bella had returned, I decided to go kill Edward…not sure why, but I was kind of bored…and my sister's boyfriend ate all the chips.

I got on my motorcycle (formerly known as the 'Shark Bike' back when Lava Girl was my Bella…that was before she drank three gallons of kerosene, went to a gas station, got in a gas fight, and lit a cigarette, (Dang, why did all the girls I liked ended up as idiots?) and rode to the Cullens' house to kill them.

I don't know why I went alone, and screamed death threats when I was walking up to their door, but it seemed like a good idea at the time so, eh, what the hell.

"Knock, knock." I knocked on the door. "Who's there? Oh! It's Edward's death."

"_Go away!_" Edward sang from the inside of the door. "Bella is definitely not pregnant with a freak human-vampire baby that's trying to kill her!" he yelled.

I rolled my eyes, opening the door, and seeing Bella, pregnant with a freak human-vampire baby, that's was trying to kill her. I stared at her for a minute. "Huh. That's interesting. Buh-bye!" I called, running out to my motorcycle to tell the 'dawgs'.

The 'dawgs' decided that the abomination to reality didn't deserve to live, and were going to kill it when I decided Sam was lame, and broke up with them. I ran back to the Cullens's, still desperate for attention from Bella, and was followed by the losers, Seth and Emily. "Go away." I ordered them, turning my hairy wolf back to them.

"No." they answered.

"Fine. But you have to be my slaves."

"No."

"_Fine!_" I barked back. "Men—" I started.

"And Emily!" she yelled.

"Oh _please_." I rolled my eyes. "We all know you aren't a _real_ girl." Then she lunged at my throat, trying to kill me. "Okay, okay, okay! You're a girl!" I whined.

"Good." She removed her teeth and claws from my vital dog organs.

"So anyway, we only have one option here folks…we have to kill Sam and bury him in the Cullens' back yard." I told them.

"That's sounds like fun." They agreed.

"Okay, you guys do that. I'm going to go hide in the Cullens' house. See ya' _suckers!_" I laughed, trying to run for cover. Emily pounced on me, and Seth started trying to bite my face off. _Some team mates…these guys suck_.

* * *

I was in the Cullens' house, eating all the food they had for some reason, while Bella drank pig blood, mixed with human blood, mixed with rabbit blood, mixed with Bambi's blood, mixed with ketchup and the mixed with ovaltine. She was gagging and throwing up almost all of it, but the vampires kept feeding it to her.

Now _normally_ I would have stopped them and defended Bella, but she _had_ chosen Edward over me, and it _was_ pretty funny.

She eventually got so stressed she went into labor right there. "Darn you, Karma!" she screamed.

"Hey? Where's Carlisle? He was supposed to be on stand-by for when she went into labor." Edward looked around. "Dang it… okay, so who wants to deliver the baby?" he clapped his hands, looking for a volunteer, everyone cringed back. "Don't everyone stand up at once." He frowned.

"Why don't you do it Edward?" Alice challenged. "_You're_ the father."

"You want these beautiful, perfect, model-like hands…to touch _that?_" he pointed to Bella.

"Help me! I'm having a _baby!_" Bella screamed in agony.

"Really? I couldn't tell." Rosalie exclaimed. Everyone laughed merrily, forgetting all of our woes…like the screaming pregnant Bella on the couch.

**Book Three: Bella**

I was dying when Carlisle came back from the super market, _three hours later_, and he groaned, taking the baby out, and tossing me to Eddypumpkin, telling him to hurry up and eat me…but I think he meant 'turn me into a vampire'.

So he did. But when he bite me, the cup of acid and nuclear waste he was going to force feed me next, spilled, right into my fresh wounds, and burned nearly killing me…_again!_

"Oops. Sorry about that Bella." He tossed the empty cup over his shoulder. I shrieked, shattering all glass and eardrums within twenty miles radius, until Eddypumpkin shoved a ham down my mouth. "_Shut up!_"

The transformation that usually takes about three days or so, then took about three weeks, with me screaming around the ham, and live cows, the whole time.

Then I got up. Eddypumpkin was staring at me, frowning. "What is it Eddypumpkin?" I asked in my perfect, pretty vampire voice.

"I was hoping when I made you a blood-thirsty vampire I'd be able to read all your secret thoughts giving you no privacy as long as forever. So I could get in your head, find your weakness and start working it, and working it, until I make you," he gasped, started to cry. "_Hate yourself._" he blubbered, falling on the ground in violent sobs.

I walked around, finding my freak baby I dubbed 'Renesmee Cullens' (which is a stupid name). But anyway, I was going to take my little Snookums, when Jacob snatched her away, his eyes glowing green. "Ick mine." He sneered, his skin changed to gray, and crushing the baby freak-child to his chest.

I stared at him for half an hour, until I got it. "_Ew! _Pedophile! Pedophile! I thought you loved _me!_" I wailed.

"But you married Edward!" he defended.

"So? You were _supposed _to wallow in self-misery for the rest of your existence and never get over me! You fool! You shall die for your pedophile-ness and the fact you do not know how to act when someone breaks up with you!" I grabbed a shovel and started trying to beat him over the head, but the others stopped me.

"Bella! Please! Stop being so stupid!" Alice grabbed me.

Jacob grinned deviously, cradling Renesmee, curling his lips into a smile. Then Charlie showed up. "Hey there Bella! Since when is yer eyes red?" he asked, unconcerned I was trying to kill people. "Jacob here has dun told me all about yer conditions…not that I didn't know er nothin', but it was nice to get a confirmation. Anyway, Bella, yer an idiot, and Jacob, get yer filthy paws off ma' granddaughter freak-child!" he yelled, shooting Jacob in the forehead…lucky for Jacob, he healed.

Charlie shot him a few more time though, until he writhed on the ground in pain.

[Some time later]

We were all sitting in the Cullens' living room, when Alice started screaming. "ARG! The Volturi are coming! The Volturi are coming! Call the fire burglar!" she screamed, running through the wall with Jasper.

"Great. _Thank you Bella_." Rosalie spat. "Once again you have put my family in danger!" she yelled, leaving with the others to find some people to kill the Volturi with.

[Time _skiiiiiiip_]

Everyone had assembled. The wolves, the vampires (everyone except sexy Jasper and his sister Alice), and my freak-child. The Volturi, an incredibly strong collection of the most skilled fighters, vampires with the best special abilities, and the most experience, not to mention _old_ vampires _ever_. They were as old as dirt. As old as time. As old as the universe. As old as my grandma even! (If you can believe that.)

The three main Volturi, whose names I cannot be bothered to remember were trying to come up with some reason to kill us all. "Well you're all _really_ annoying," he pointed out.

"Yeah, but people like us!" Eddypumpkin yelled.

"You can't go anywhere without seeing something _Twilight,_" I pointed out.

"Which is why we have to kill you now." They all grinned.

But then Alice appeared with a full grown freak-baby, and hunky Jasper. "Hey we have a freak baby!" Alice called.

The Volturi stared for a moment. "Crap," They all muttered in unison. "Well we shall attack anyway!"

"But we have no powers due to Bella!" Jane yelled. She and Alec were standing helpless because of my super power that cancels-out, everyone else's mind powers. I smiled.

"Oh well. Time to leave Forks. So long everyone!" the Volturi, who were _good _now, smiled, skipping away singing 'Kum-ba-yah', giving money to orphans and widows all over the world.

* * *

"_And Bella, Edward, the werewolves, and the Cullens, all lived happily ever after." The grandpa concluded, closing 'Breaking Dawn'._

"_What?" the child screamed. "That was the dumbest ending I've ever heard! 'They all lived happily ever after'? Where's the battle? Where's the fight? Where's the excitement? I've been suffering through all of the __**700**_ _page books for __**nothing**__?" he demanded._

_The grandpa sighed. "Okay, how about this?"_

* * *

The Volturi smiled evilly, attacking our group. But with my power, we defeated them all, burning the pieces, but leaving those who choose good over evil—

* * *

"_So you're saying, the skills of 3,000 year-old vampires, who've the best fighting force all that time, and scouring the globe can get, and they can be beat by a __**nineteen**_ _year-old girl who __**just**_ _became a vampire?"_

* * *

The Volturi killed all the Cullens and the werewolves, but Bella, Edward, and their freak-child.

* * *

"_Is __**that**_ _what you wanted to hear?" the grandpa demanded._

"_Not quite."_

"_**Fine!**_"

* * *

All of the Cullens and werewolves died. The Volturi won. The end.

* * *

"_No grandpa, let __**me**_ _tell it."_

* * *

The Volturi killed everyone but Bella, Edward, and Renesme…who lived happily for the next week, until Buffy came to town and killed them. But _Charlie _got his happily ever after, and chewed tobacco, watched football, shot guns, and drank beer the rest of his life. Until he got lung cancer.

But even in the hospital, dying of the gulf ball size tomber cursing his lung, heart, face, liver, kidneys, spleen, brain, feet, sofa, and moose-head, he was still happy...and chewing tobacco.

The End.

* * *

Don't you just love happy endings?

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 2009


	5. Midnight Sunburn

Wow, so I never thought "Twilight, but better" would get that many hits…and reviews! Since I was bored and needed to further make myself look like an illiterate nut-case with too much time (oh wait…that's true), I decided to bring to you the final installment of this most horrendous of sagas. So here you are, with…

**~ Midnight Sun, but better ~ **

(screaming applause for me)

School sucks.

I hate it.

Everyone here is stupid, and smelly, and I wish to suck their blood, but I can't, because my siblings are stupid and won't let me.

So anyway, I was listening to people's thoughts (I was totally _not_ trying to find where they live so I could stalk them, watch them while they sleep and snuggle with them while their fathers are unaware, I am _not_ a creeper like that) and would never dream to use this ability to steal credit card information because, that would be _wrong_. (Wink, wink, nod, nod.) And then there was this random chick suddenly popping up all over the place in people's brains like a cancerous cluster of cells somehow passed through breathing. (I know stuff like that cause I had to repeat freaking high school **twenty-five** times!) At first I thought I was going insane, but then I remembered I couldn't because I'm a friggin' vampire.

Bella Swan.

_Ha! BS! That is funny! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha—_

"Shut up, Alice!" I growled. Everyone turned to me, so I flipped them off.

_Cullen is such a creeper,_ someone thought.

_An albino weirdo._

_He's as ugly as crap._

_Once I ran over road kill that had digested most of it's face, and it looked kind of like him._

_My grandma is sexier than he is._

_Edward has a stupid name._

_I'd rather make out with Brittany Spears…and I'm no lesbo._

"_No_!" I screamed in a violent cry of anguish, bailing into my hands, making everyone turn to me again. "It's not true! It can't be true! Leave Brittany alone! Leave her alone!"

_Freak._

_Weirdo._

_Turd._

_Douche._

I gasped for air, which I don't really need, because I'm a vampire. "Edward Cullen? Oh my gosh! He is like as pretty as me! Oo! Who's the hot one sitting next to him?" A girl asked annoyingly from across the cafeteria.

"That's Edward. He'll eat your children, beat you to death, burn your house down, send a witch-hunter after you, get you arrested for illegal reselling of crack—erjacks, oh, and we think he's gay." The one girl who was _obviously_ in love with me said. I stalked her for seventeen years, and she had only yesterday turned seventeen. I know this because I crashed her birthday party without her knowing.

I went through her room and took stuff so I could smell her. But then I found out she has a boyfriend, so I ripped the engine out of her car so she couldn't see him and—anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked here. No one wants to read about me being all awesome and ripping stuff out of their cars. Like _that_'d sell.

She was a very hot baby. (If you _know_ what I mean.)

"Shut up lumpy legs!" Bella's annoying voice called. "He is _beautiful_!" Then she got distracted by her reflection in some bald guy's head. "Wow! I am _pretty_! It should, like, be like, against the law to be this hot!"

**TIME SKIP**

"_Edward_?" My evil, vile, stupid and also incredibly good-looking father called.

"Yes?" I smashed through the wall like batman.

"Where have you been? Bella was run over by a truck! I had to give her and her hillbilly father drugs to make them think you saved them, but you didn't, because you've been gone. Where—" he demanded like a dumb—like, like a dumb…vampire.

"I met that Bella chick in some boring science class, and, to be honest, she smelt like a grandma with an obscene kind of body odor, so I ran out the window screaming." I explained my story, like it had been rehearsed, because it had. I had been seeing Alice laugh at me for it through her head, and it was all very confusing with magic and vampires and stuff. You're a stupid human, you wouldn't understand.

"I was high—I mean drunk—I mean wasted—I mean stoned—I mean _sick_ for the next few weeks, and ditched—I mean _missed_ school. I totally didn't go to Vegas to hit on the Vegas showgirls. Because I would _never _do that." I nodded. I flashed him a perfect smile with my pearly whites, my golden eyes glittering like gold toast that had been buttered with more gold by the angels themselves they were so buttery and golden and topaz and stuff. I know it's a lot to take in, but I'll remind you about my eyes in the next paragraph anyway, so you won't forget. My eyes are a _very_ important plot point. Seriously. Write it on a note pad and staple it to your stupid weak human hands so you don't forget.

"I gave her some of the," Carlisle glanced up from his doctorly clip board thing, where he writes all of his doctorly stuff to show he's a doctor, but in reality, all it is are doodles of stickfigures because he never actually went to doctor school cause his a friggin' vampire and no one's going to waste their time getting a degree from **1912** and expect it to still be legal in **2010**, "_special_ painkillers. I hope it wasn't too severe. That many Tums…" he shook his head. Tums were all he was allowed to give people because he was actually just a volunteer who wore a "Hello, My Name is _Ducteir Colinne_" nametag.

"Oh wait, Bella? Isn't she supposed to be my love interest?" I remembered, my eyes glittering gold because I was wearing contacts I'd dripped mustard in. Ah…crap! I didn't mention my eyes in the _last_ paragraph. Okay, copy this section and paste it to the last one with your pathetic human hands! "Dad, you spelled Doctor and Cullen wrong," I pointed at his nametag. "How do you even spell your own name wrong?"

"Shut up and go appeal to the fans," he snarled at me, noticed the security coming to kick him out (he wasn't legally allowed within three thousand miles of the building since he'd changed ninety percent of their patients into vampires), and ducked into the Ladies Room. We vampires are masters of disguise and can disappear like that on a moment's notice. Too bad you're a scrawny human and _can't_! HA!

Hey, by the way, we Cullenses so _are _ninety percent of their little village. Forks is a small town, alright? Have you even seen Washington? Beside the White House and that pentograph thing there's nothing _in_ Washington but us awesome vampires. It's like…Texas or…East and West Dakota or New Mexico…or…something. I can't be bothered to learn these stupid human countries!

_Anyway_, I went to find my love interest, and found she was in a full body cast lying in some hospital bed, breathing through a tube. I felt the deep and sorrowful sting of sorrow pierce my heart with a long pointy piercing thing of sorrow. "Bella!" I wailed, but remained as perfect as ever. "How could I allow this to happen? You were my one true love in all the world and now…you've been crushed by a truck! Oh…_Bella_," I sobbed, gold leaking out of my eyeballs and since it was liquid, that meant it was molten, so it burned like hell. (That was a pun, because hell is like fiery and stuff…and gold…and…vampires come from hell because we're the embodiment of demons, although much more perfect and sexy and stuff. So it was funny. Hey, stop giving the computer that look! It's hilarious, you just don't get it because you're a stupid feeble human!)

"Edward?" Bella's wispy human voice called, although she sounded a lot like a middle-aged Mormon woman from Arizona. (I have an ear for these kinds of things. Perfect _marble_ ears…they're so perfect, wouldn't you just love to eat them with barbeque sauce and fresh parsley? Yes…scream and wail young girls, for you shall never know the true delicious perfection of my ears.) "I'm over here, that's Tyler."

"Oh," I stood with perfect grace of a perfect vampire. "They let him come in?" I walked over to Bella, who was sitting up in her bed, perfectly fine other than a slight bump on her head. I tripped on my way to her, but tripped gracefully, because I'm Edward f-ing Cullen dammit. When I tripped my perfect marble foot caught on the cord pulling Tyler's life support out of the socket, and this beeping noise sounded behind me, so I turned perfectly and saw the screen had become one line.

"Oh no!" I heard my father yell, he, because Forks is too small to get a real doctor, rushed in and over to Bella, checking her pulse by biting into her hand. "Mm…" he smiled raising his head. "Nope, you're fine. Just checking my favorite widdle patient," he pinched her cheek and gave her a kitten. "Here, I bought you a car, get well soon."

That annoying wailing sound kept on wailing behind me, Tyler just had to be so obnoxious all the time. "Well, doctor _purdy boy_," Charlie Swan, the Leader of the Boy Scouts (we had like two in Forks), "what're ya' doin' today? Workin' another ad fer botox coz-mo-tall-low-gee?" Charlie spat tobacco juice at Carlisle's face. "Ain't ya' 'posed ta' be helpin' that boy in a critic-cal state?"

"I'm afraid I don't speak_ monkey_, could you poise your question in the form of an answer, please?" Carlisle asked sweetly.

Behind the men, who were now pitted against each other like ravenous jellyfish, the beeping stopped and the thrashing, bleeding, broken body of Tyler stopped writhing and flopping around like a stupid human, and died.

And now, dear readers, I would like to take a moment of silence, for Tyler…

…

Kay, that's enough, back to me. "Hey, looks like we'll be drinking fresh blood tonight!"

"Yes! Drinking games are on!" My father squealed in vampirish perfection, his molten golden eyes glowing but not as glowing as me. "With all the limitless privileges that comes with bearing the name 'volunteer' in Washington, I can easily have the body deemed unfit for burial!" And then we grabbed the body and smashed through the window with out perfect balance and swiftness.

I kind of spaced some more, and tried to get some character development by playing a piano. I got mad when it wasn't easy and threw it at some jogger.

Then I ate the guy who tried to come sue me.

Bella kept bugging me, but since she was pale and kept being mentioned, I figured she was the heroine, and so decided to date the weirdo albino anyway. Cause I like heroine. Mm…that's some good drugs.

So anyway, back at school there was this huge dance thing, where all the hideous students asked the other hideous students out, except there was a twist. The Sadie Hawkins Dance, in my khaki pants. There's nothing better, oh, oh, oh. The girls ask the guys, it's always a surprise. There's nothing better, baby do you like my sweater?

Well, not _that_ surprising, cause all the half a dozen boys (can you say _hideous_?) seemed to believe they were girls (or maybe they _were_…hm…although I have expert senses of perception, even my topaz eyes couldn't be sure whether or not they were, in fact, male) and thought Bella was a guy, or they're lesbians and asked her anyway. That was the first moment I truly saw how perfect (but less perfect than a _certain_ _someone_. Hint. Hint.), Bella really was. It was a Lady's choice and she was still the only human asked by anyone. Well, except for me.

"Edward," a girl who was rather attractive for a stupid human stopped me in the hall. I recognized her as the blond, head-cheerleader, captain of the chess team, academic wonder, face of Cover Girl (stupid human run business turned _me_ down), volunteered at nursing homes, orphanages, animal and homeless shelters, was the heiress to a billion dollar corporation, gave more than 90% of what she earned in a year to disabled veterans, starred in twelve blockbusters, donated both her kidneys, half her blood and had cured cancer. Poor simple human could only ever hope to measure up to someone as majestic and gorgeous as I am. "Hey, thanks and all for the invitation, but I don't feel comfortable going to a dance with you. Last time you…" she grimaced, "you killed my grandma when you ran her over with your car."

"Oh yeah, can you pay up for that?" I smiled beautifully and wiggled my eyebrows that went perfectly with my golden eyes.

"No…you killed _my _grandma."

"Well her old and feebly disgusting bones cause a scratch in _my _Volvo. Let us think for a moment which is more important to me; your grandmother, who was old, had a hundred liver spots and smelled like dirty socks, or _my_ sleek babe-mobile?" I thought in a perfect pose resembling a perfect porcelain…thing.

The stupid human then maced me and threw me under the wheels of an oncoming van spinning wildly over the ice.

But anyway, Bella became my obsession. She was kind of like a drug, only dumb and boring. I could smell her delicious sent all the time…and I wanted to eat her. She was so delectable, so mouth-watering, kind of like a ham sandwich or a piece of KFC chicken…or beer…or drugs… Mmm…drugs…

Actually, I must confess, the drugs were still about a thousand times better, cause Bella acted too much like a bored Mormon housewife.

As it was, I became enraptured by the incredibly obnoxious Mary Sue who couldn't take two steps without falling and injuring herself (with all those wounds to the head it's no wonder why her brain's so messed up) and has about as much personality as a teaspoon worth of sour milk. (Oh, my eyes are still golden, by the way.)

I started following her everywhere (which was SO FREAKING BORING). She was so boring when she drove home, and so boring when she made ridiculous meals for her father, and so boring when she got dressed, and so boring when she went to bed, and so boring when she slept, and so boring when she woke up, and so boring when she flossed, and so boring when she (THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CUT DOWN DRAMATICALLY TO REDUCE READER NAUSEA).

One day after school she and some lame little girls decided to go dress shopping at Port Ageism for dresses. It was also so boring watching them try on the dresses. (My eyes are still golden, in case you were wondering. It's been like…two whole paragraphs since I last told you, so I just wanted to let you know.)

I had to take a break from my stalking and perverted life to apply another coat of glitter spray (it's only activated by UV rays, which is annoying), and then I found out Bella was gone. She was wandering a town alone, through dark alleys, like a freaking retard. I went to follow her, cursing myself angrily because I would have disappointed my father (who stalks young women to this day, but don't tell Esme that). I found her, curled up in the middle of the street, wailing. There were two nuns near her, a police man, a purple-heart winning fighter pilot and a few disabled veterans.

"Miss?" The police guy asked. "Are you Charlie Swan's daughter? Hello? Can we help you? Do you need help? Miss?"

Although they didn't seem like they were hurting much, I decided to run them over in my car, because it was funny, then totally saved Bella, and we drove away in my vamp-mobile.

* * *

Then…for some reason I don't really know, I guess they weren't paying Zombies8Me enough or something, because the story kind of ended, even though we all know how it ends. This is my (my eyes are golden) interpretation. It's better than any you could come up with because you're a stupid human.

* * *

Bella was kind of a ditz, and couldn't read a map. I was like "Freaking A' Bella! Can't you do anything by yourself?" (Cause I totally don't swear ever. I'm too perfect to cuss. Okay? Don't mess with perfection, cause I'm perfect.)

Then Bella started crying, and I told her to shut her woman mouth. "If I want to hear you speak, woman, I will let you know. Stupid woman. Why don't you go scrub my hubcaps, woman?"

"I would Eddypoo, but you don't have any hubcaps," she told me.

"Then go buy me some, you useless, plotless waste of words!"

Oh, and I can't read her thoughts. But it's kind of obvious what she's thinking, cause she talks to herself. "I think Eddypoo is so pretty. He's the only one pretty enough for me."

"Bella, I _can_ hear you," I told her.

"Oh he's so dreamy the way he's so…so…" she tried to think of something to describe my majestic…ness. "Uh…well he's…uh…there must be something good about him."

Clearly, she was speechless in the perfection that is my porcelain skin and my marble neck and my golden eyes and my perfect build and my golden-brown hair and my immortality and…car and…money and….deep things like that.

Bella and I went to a meadow in the forest, where I glittered in the sunshine.

"Bella, I love you, but…I'm dangerous!"

"Oh Edward! You're so pretty when you have no personality!" she squealed happily.

"No Bella," I touched her cheek with my hand, giving her face frostbite. "_You're_ so pretty when you have no personality."

"No, _you're_ so pretty when you have no personality."

"But I'm dangerous!"

"But I'm stupid! So it's okay!"

"Hey Edward!" Alice called. "We're going to go play baseball. I know everything, because I'm so—"

"Shut up, I _hate_ you, remember!?" I yelled back.

Bella was drooling over me at the baseball field of course, because I'm just so freakishly good looking no one can stop talking about how good looking I really am—

"Edward! Will you stop drooling over yourself? It's ruining the flow of story!" Rosalie yelled, hitting the baseball at my pretty face.

"Shut up woman! I'd kill you, but I don't like conflict," I yelled at her.

"Hey guys, the antagonist force is coming this way!" Alice screamed pointing off into the fog.

"What? No! No! It isn't possible! It can't be true! I was promised there wouldn't be any plot in this book! This is too much for my perfect mind! I'm a lover not a fighter! No! NO!" I yelled, falling to the ground screaming. "Purple! Why have you forsaken me! Why? What did I ever do to wrong the world? What?"

"Hey can we hurry this up?" James asked. "I have a coupon that expires at midnight for Walmart."

"Fine. I don't care." I stood angrily, in a sexy kind of way.

James gave Bella _the_ look and walked away, then we ran off to Phoenix (close to the old Meyer house), James tried to kill Bella, but we killed him first, and he was all sucking the blood from her hand then I killed him.

Blah, blah, blah and they lived happily ever after the end. Although Bella ended up dying when she tripped over a curb that was just a bit too big and I was sent to jail for a thousand years for tax evasion. Jacob grew up and was sent to jail for pedophilia (because yes, Twihards, that _is_ a criminal offense).

* * *

THE END! (Let us hope.)

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